Celebrity Silliness: November 2006

Friday, November 17, 2006

Maybe There's a Reason George Clooney Is Single

George Clooney, in an interview about what it's like to be People's Sexiest Man Alive, had some interesting things to say about Matt Damon. Clooney was quoted as saying, "I have to say, this is a very big disappointment for Matt, because he did run a very good campaign. If you have been around him, you know he's sexy. His eyes pop. They have a twinkle. He's got a good smile, he's quite the dancer. He does rock a Speedo in 'Ocean's Thirteen'."

I'm just saying, that's not exactly how I choose to talk about my male friends, but, you know, whatever floats your boat.

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Related Links:
George Clooney Is Handsome

Shanna Moakler Is Classy

Shanna Moakler, former wife of Blink 182's drummer Travis Barker, recently had some words of wisdom to impart to Paris Hilton. The, er, actress reminded Paris of something very important: "All I have to say is don't forget to take your Valtrex Paris." Valtrex is a herpes medication.

Ah. It's good to see both of these actresses are growing as people and not just throwing angry words at one another.

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Christian Bale Admits to Doing Crap

In a recent interview, Christian Bale, the star of "Batman Begins," has admitted to the fact that a lot of the movies that he's been in are crappy. The star was quoted as saying, "I've certainly had times when I've thought, 'This is the most pointless crap I've ever come across'. Then I've thought, 'Yes but what would you rather be doing?' and I haven't come up with anything else yeet."

Aw. It's the feel good story of the year. I'll tell you what, Christian, if you keep making stuff like "Batman Begins" and "The Prestige," I won't hold your earlier ones against you.

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Recent Links:
Christopher Walken to Play Ozzy
Penelope Cruz Riding Oscar Buzz

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ashley Judd Gives Off Mixed Messages

After suggesting that the world would be a better place if men's magazine FHM didn't exist, Ashley Judd is appearing topless on this month's cover of Marie Claire. The actress has not been able to be reached for comment.

I know you're going to say that the goals of Marie Claire and the goals of FHM are entirely different, but I don't care. If you're going to condemn a magazine that shows women in various states of near nudeness, only to then appear on a magazine cover nearly nude yourself, I think that you should have to apologize. But that's me.

Colin Farrell Is Kind of Gross

Colin Farrell is a big fan of Russell Crowe. He had this to say about the other actor: "I really enjoyed watching 'Gladiator'. But I really think that Russell Crowe could get up, pull his pants down, take a s**t, and you would still be completely blown away by it."

This may be nothing, but I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that this comment makes Farrell sound like the kind of guy who would lock himself in his room for hours so that he could "read" Cat Fancy in peace.

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Scarlett Johansson Critical of Bush

Scarlett Johannson, the actress whose name is the enemy of spellcheckers everywhere, recently spoke out against President Bush. The actress had this to say, "We're supposed to be liberated in America but if our president had his way, we wouldn't be educated about sex at all. Every woman would have six children and we wouldn't be able to have abortions."

Huh. And all this time I didn't know that Scarlett had an M.A. in political science. I mean, she must, right, if anybody listens to her politics?

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Tom Cruise Promotes Heftiness

Tom Cruise was in for a big surprise when he tried on his custom made tuxedo the other day only to find out that it no longer fit him. Apparently, since he stopped his strict exercise regime that he had been on so that he could look his best for MI3, the actor has put on 14 pounds.

Katie, I implore you, especially if you have a thing for somewhat heftier guys, give me a call, before it's too late!

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Michael Jackson No "Thriller" at World Music Awards

Michael Jackson made a less than stellar return to the stage at the World Music Awards, it has been reported. The singer had been expected to sing his hit "Thriller," but when he instead sang part of the chorus of "We Are the World," the crowd starting booing the reclusive pop star.

I would make fun, but, I mean, if you don't sing in front of people for ten years, and then expect to just go out there and do it, it stands to reason that you're going to have some problems.

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Recent Links:
Paris Hilton Won't Stay at the Family's Hotel
Michael Jackson to Perform in London

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Shakira Loves Her Home Country

Shakira was honored by her hometown of Barranquilla, Colombia today with the unveiling of a 6 ton statue of the singer. The singer was visibly moved, and she had this to say about the experience: "Barranquilla is the big breast that fed and nurtured me as a human being, a woman and an artist."

Hmm. Apparently calling your home town a "big breast" is appropriate when you're from a Spanish speaking country. I'll keep that in mind.

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Recent Links:
Katie Holmes Big on Underwear
Ashley Judd Takes a Shot at Men's Magazines
Lindsay Lohan Tired of Party Girl Image

George Clooney Is Handsome

George Clooney has been named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. When asked about how he felt about the honor, Clooney responded "This one's going to be hard for Brad (Pitt) since he's been Sexiest Man Alive twice ... I'd say 'Sexiest Man Alive' to him and he'd go, 'Two-time.' So that's been taken away ... So Brad's going to be upset."

I'm sure Brad Pitt will cry all the way to his beautiful girlfriend.

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Things That Make You Go "Ew."

Elton John said recently that, though he lost his virginity at the age of 23, he wishes that he would have lost it at 14 "because that's such an exciting age to have sex."

I guess I wouldn't be so creeped out by this statement if I were alive when Elton was a sex symbol. As it is, I'm not sure that this is the kind of thing I want to hear from somebody who writes Disney musicals.

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Nicole Kidman May Be Pregnant

It is being reported that Nicole Kidman, in a recent visit to her husband Keith Urban in California where he is in rehab, told her husband that she was expecting. Keith was reportedly happy at the news, but sad due to the fact that it's a bad time for him because he's in rehab.

It's all right, Keith. You'll get your act squared away, and then you'll be a good father. Congratulations to the couple.

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Paris Hilton Won't Stay at the Family's Hotel

During a recent trip to London, Paris Hilton had planned to stay at the Hilton hotel on Park Lane. However, after spending only one night there, the socialite snuck over to Covent Garden's St Martin's Lane Hotel, where she spent the rest of her trip.

I guess when you're rich, you don't care about being able to stay places for free. I know that I would certainly rather not pay for staying somewhere, but I guess that's why I'm not Paris Hilton; well, that and the Y chromosome.

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Katie Holmes Big on Underwear

Katie Holmes went shopping the other day, and has reportedly spent over $3000 dollars on underwear for her wedding night. This includes, but is not limited to, a $440 bra, a $340 thong, and a $220 garter belt.

First, how can anybody spend three hundred and forty bucks on a thong? There's hardly anything there! Is it made out of gold? If so, isn't it horribly uncomfortable?

Second, I guess that this just goes to show that Katie really believes that it's not what's on the outside, but what's underneath that counts.

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Kate Winslet Has Baby Fever

In a recent interview, Kate Winslet revealed that she would love to have more children. The mother of a 6 year old and a 3 year old already, Winslet said, "I'm hoping to have more kids. I don't [care] whether one or two. Oh, God, I would love to have more."

Well, with her being that straightforward about it, I wonder if she is taking nominations for father? If so, I have a recommendation.

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Angelina Doesn't Understand Madonna's Deal

Due to Madonna's recent comments to the media about how she's "not interested in going in there like an idiot and going, 'OK, I'm going to build ten orphanages and I'll see you guys later,'" which was taken by many to be a critique of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's humanitarian work, Angelina Jolie is reportedly, obviously, shocked. The actress doesn't understand why somebody in Madonna's position would talk to the media in anything other than a positive way.

Huh. Madonna's trying to steal a kid from Africa, and she's throwing stones at Brad and Angelina. Looks like somebody woke up on the cranky side of the bed.

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Monday, November 13, 2006

Pam Dislikes Hairy Backs

Pamela Anderson recently stuck up for costar Denise Richards in her recent reaction to the press. She was quoted as saying that she "Can't believe [the] set is surrounded by loser paparazzi – not Canadian – all American and European...Leave us alone!!! They are being super idiots!!! Yelling rude stuff. They need to really go home! What is the big deal? All these big hairy men attacking us girls. A-holes!!!"

Well, so, Denise Richards has Pamela Anderson's vote of support. If that doesn't fill your heart with cheer, I don't know what will.

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Tom Cruise Has Arrived

Tom Cruise was seen in Rome this morning. The actor is presumably there to wrap up any last minute errands that need to be completed before his wedding this weekend to his fiance, Katie Holmes. On a related note, it has also been reported that the beautiful voice Andrea Bocelli will be heard during the couple's wedding.

It's still not too late, Katie. You could still come and marry me. I can't promise you Andrea Bocelli, but I can promise you, er, the fact that everyone will look favorably upon your humanitarian efforts of marrying me when you could do so much better.

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Britney Sex Tape?

It is being reported that Kevin Federline has a four hour sex tape that was filmed early in his relationship with Britney Spears, and that the singer/dancer/waste of a soul has threatened to sell and distribute the sex tape if he doesn't get a huge amount of money from Britney as well as sole custody of the couple's two children.

This guy sure is classy, isn't he? I can't wait until I start hearing stories when the kids are older that have them asking their low life of a father, "Really dad? You thought that your best play was to humiliate mom?"

Kevin, you sir are a class act. You're top shelf, all the way.

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Ashley Judd Takes a Shot at Men's Magazines

In a recent interview, Ashley Judd was told that FHM magazine had announced that the actress was one of the sexiest women alive. When asked how she felt about that, she was quoted as saying, "It's gross. Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if that magazine didn't exist?"

I don't know, Ashley. I just ran a google image search, and there are a lot more scandalous pictures out there of yourself than anything that FHM would print.

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Denise Richards Apologizes for Flying Laptop

During a scuffle with a member of the press, Denise Richards grabbed the man's laptop computer, and nearly hit an elderly woman with it as she threw it off of a balcony. The actress immediately rushed down to see if the woman was all right and apologized profusely.

This Denise Richards, she's all right. In her position, I would probably throw a lapton too.

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Friday, November 10, 2006

Kevin Federline Parties It Up

Kevin Federline is apparently trying to give off the impression that losing Britney was not a huge deal to him by partying it up in Chicago following a free concert at the House of Blues. While partying, he repeatedly made the assertion that if any ladies wanted to talk with him, he was more than willing because he was now a single man.

Ah Kevin Federline, you are the Kato Kaelin of 2006's historical footnotes.

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

Daniel Baldwin Arrested

Daniel Baldwin was arrested today on suspicion of stealing an S.U.V. A spokesman for the police department stated that although the car belonged to an aquaintance of Daniel, Daniel had no business driving the car.

I would say that it's got to be difficult being one of the minor Baldwins, but, really, how much better is it to be one of the major ones?

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Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Christopher Walken to Play Ozzy

In a new movie based on the life and times of the 80's band Motley Crue, film actor, Presidential candidate, and all around nice guy will have a cameo as the hard rocking metal star Ozzy Osbourne. The movie will apparently feature an infamous incindent wherein Ozzy mistook a line of ants for a line of cocaine, and snorted the little buggers up.

Christopher Walken, is there any amusing part you can't do?

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Tom Cruise a Big Eater

In an effort to quiet some of Katie's pre-wedding jitters, Tom Cruise took his beloved out to a dinner that reportedly cost ten grand. However, while she barely touched the sea bass she ordered, Tom wolfed down a porterhouse steak, a caeser salad, three side dishes of potatoes, and some french fries and onion rings. He finished dinner with a dessert of cheesecake and chocolate covered strawberries.

If Tom Cruise were the king, I would be forced to say that it's good to be the king. However, since he's not, I'll go with the old stand-by that being crazy must really work up your appetite. Seriously, if you stacked all of that food, I would guess that it would be nearly as tall as he is. What is he, part snake? How can he eat more than his current body weight and not die?

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Will Ferrell to Again Be a Father

While making an appearance on David Letterman's late night talk show, comedian Will Ferrell announced that his wife was pregnant, and that they would soon be the parents of another baby boy. He is 39.

Congratulations, Will! I hope everything in the pregnancy goes off well.

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Michael Jackson to Perform in London

Michael Jackson is set to receive the Diamond Award at the World Music Awards next week in London, and the singer is scheduled to perform his 1982 hit song, "Thriller." This will be the first time the singer has performed since 1997.

As a singer myself, I hope that he's at least been practicing, because nearly ten years without singing could make for a pretty horrible performance.

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Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Lindsay Lohan Tired of Party Girl Image

Lindsay Lohan revealed while she was a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show that she hates her "Party Girl" image. The actress was quoted as saying, "I'm 20 years old. Is it a crime to go ... dancing with your friends?"

Oddly enough, Lindsay, we become defined by others by our behavior. Frankly, with everyone talking about your sexual exploits and calling you much meaner names in that arena than "party girl," I'm surprised that you went after that aspect of you reputation.

An easy fix for this situation would be to convert to Scientology; then, almost nobody would call you a party girl anymore.

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Britney Files for Divorce

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from husband Kevin Federline. In papers filed at a Los Angeles court, the singer cited "irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the divorce, and she requested legal and physical custody for her two children.

I'm sure that this must be a rough time for you, Britney. If you need a shoulder to cry on, give me a call.

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Kathy Hilton Supports Her Daughter

And in the weird news department, Kathy Hilton, mother of Paris Hilton, is reportedly proud of everything that her daughter has done. Reports indicate that her pride includes Paris's infamously leaked sex tape "One Night in Paris" because it was really that video that catapulted the young woman into superstardom.

I'm not sure if I would want that much reassurance from my mom. It seems like at some point you've got to draw a line. For me, that would be well before sex tape, but I guess that there are different strokes for different folks.

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Chris Rock to Divorce

It has been announced that Chris Rock will be divorcing his wife of ten years. No reason has been given for the split.

Here's to hoping that it all works out for the best for this funny man and his charity-minded wife.

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Elton John Swears Like a Sailor

At a recent concert, Elton John shocked fans by going on a foul-mouthed tirade against Universal, his record label. He was quoted as saying, "My record label isn't doing anything to help. F**k Universal... They're useless. Here's a message to Universal Records - please drop me. Just let me go somewhere else."

Ah. I see how he has the fans that he has. With this level of grace and charisma, how could he not be beloved by many?

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Penelope Cruz Riding Oscar Buzz

Penelope Cruz is riding high on the hopes that her work in the film "Volver" will produce an Oscar for the gifted actress. The film is a comedy about a young woman who is haunted by the ghost of her mother.

Why am I writing about this? I wanted to post this picture of the beautiful actress. It's an excuse.

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Snoop Dogg May Go to Jail

Snoop Dogg has been formally charged with knowingly carrying a dangerous weapon at John Wayne Airport. Should he get the maximum penalty, he will face a three year prison term.

Man. When I used to visit my buddy who went to CSULB, I was always worried that Snoop Dogg was going to steal my stereo. He hasn't yet, but he might just figure out how if he really goes to prison.

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Scarlett Smacks Others Celebrities

Scarlett Johansson doesn't understand why celebrities feel the need to reveal lots of personal information about themselves. The buxom beauty was quoted as saying, "I can't stand those articles where people spill their life story. After a while, I feel like I know more about them than their best friend does - and that's weird. It's better when you don't know everything."

As long as you keep being beautiful, I agree wholeheartedly with everything you say.

Link: Source.

Kate Moss Still Controversial

Kate Moss has stirred up Britain simply by accepting an award. Kate Moss won the model of the year at the largest fashion contest in Britain. Critics of the model are concerned what kind of a message Kate's acceptance of the award will send to younger models who would also have the temptation of drug use, as Miss Moss was video taped last year apparently doing lines of cocaine.

Forget the drugs; I would be more concerned about girls thinking it's a good idea to have your ribs stick out so much. I mean, she's going to put somebody's eye out.

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Diddy Likes It Shaken, Not Stirred

The rap mogul Diddy, formerly known as P Diddy, Puff Daddy, and relevant, has told reporters that he would like to become the first black James Bond. He was quoted as saying, "It's a dream of mine to play a great role like that."

I don't know, Diddy. People had a hard enough time accepting this new one, and his biggest difference from the others is that he's blonde. I'm not sure you can swing this one.

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Mel Gibson Receives Award

Mel Gibson has received the Visionary Award from the Latino Business Association (LBA) in Los Angeles for his work on his latest film "Apocalypto." The movie was filmed almost entirely in Mexico, and it chronicles the devastation of Mexico's original cultures.

Or, in other words, Mel Gibson has found a minority that still likes him.

Link: Source.

Tom Cruise Buys Studio

Tom Cruise has purchased the movie studio United Artists. This will allow him just about unlimited say as to what gets green lit and what doesn't. Further, the actor will now have a studio to appear in films for.

And this really follows the old adage, "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em."

Link: Source.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Jesus Reference Taken Out of Movie

In the new movie "Deja Vu," a scene at the end of the movie caused riotous laughter from a preview audience of the film. It seems that, in a tense moment late in the film, Denzel Washington turns to Jim Caviezel and mutters, "Jesus." Caviezel had, of course, played Jesus in "The Passion of the Christ."

That is funny. I'd laugh too. They should leave it in.

Link: Source.

Is Angelina Jolie Pregnant?

The latest reports are saying that Angelina Jolie is pregnant again with another of Brad Pitt's offspring. Witnesses point out her frequent illness of late and the fact that she is wearing baggy clothes as proof.

Uhm. Yeah. I wear baggy-ish clothes and don't always feel well in the mornings too. Does that make me pregnant? I hope not, as I am a man, and any sort of birthing process on me would be even more painful than usual.

Link: Source.

Sharon Stone as Barbie

Sharon Stone recently took off from an AIDS charity function when the Barbie dolls that she had said Mattel could make didn't look enough like her. She then refused to attend the benefit, and went to a different benefit instead.

Which is good, I think. I mean, if you're going to be cranky about something as trivial as whether a doll looks like you, you should probably go to a different charity so people don't know that you're a pain in the butt. They'll say, "That Sharon Stone, she's always attending benefits; what a beautiful heart she has."

Link: Source.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Bob Barker Set to Retire

Bob Barker, who has been the host of tv's The Price Is Right for over thirty years, has announced that he will be retiring in 2007. Barker, 83, commented that he wanted to retire while he was still young.

Congratulations, Bob, in a successful career in entertainment. I only have one question: who is going to remind people to spay or neuter their pets if you're not on the tv anymore? Will there begin to be rampant animal fornication due to your lack of advice?

Link: Source.

Kate Winslet Is Tired of Being Naked

Kate Winslet wants everyone to know that she is no longer interested in being naked on screen. The actress was quoted as saying, "With 'All the King's Men', in which there was a little bit of nudity, I thought, 'Well that's it, my nudity days are over.' I've got two kids, I can't get away with it anymore. It's a very uncomfortable thing to do."

It's kind of funny that she's uncomfortable with it now, as being sketched topless is basically what propelled her career.

Link: Source.

Was Ryan Cheating?

It is being reported that one of the main reasons that Reese Witherspoon opted to split with Ryan Phillippe was that he was cheating on her. The actor's new desire is Australian actress Abbie Cornish, whom he met on the set of "Stop Loss."

It's always amazing to me that people who have apparently wonderful and amazingly gorgeous wives decide that it's a good idea to cheat on them. Moral reasoning aside, it just doesn't seem smart to me. It's like those people who only have the one big amount left on "Deal or No Deal," and they opt to open another suitcase which unfortunately has that amount.

Reese, if you need a shoulder to cry on, you can call me.

Link: Source.

Jenna Jameson Not Good Enough for the Marines

The boyfriend of actress Jenna Jameson, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, was, after originally being invited, asked to not come to speak at the Marines' birthday celebration. It is reported that higher ups in the military chain of command thought that her attendance of the ceremony would be inappropriate.

That's good work, general. It's always good to deny your men something that they would honestly enjoy, and I don't mean Tito's speech.

Link: Source.