Monday, July 31, 2006

Paris and Stavros Sitting in a Tree

It is being reported that Paris Hilton and her former boyfriend Stavros were seen making out at a night club. This comes after their much publicized break-up.

Ah Paris. It's good to see that you're back doing what you do best: being a hooch.

Link: Source.

Mel Gibson's Impolite Words

(Firstly, let me say that Blogger is not allowing me to post pictures. Rather than get angry and say some not very nice things, I will direct them to smell aspects of my anatomy that should never be smelled. I'll post pics when it'll let me.)

We all know that Mel Gibson got pulled over for DUI the other night with a blood alcohol level of .12, which is .04 over the legal limit in California. However, what I didn't know was that he made some anti-semitic comments as the police were arresting him. He was recorded as saying, "F***ing Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." He then asked the deputy, "Are you a Jew?"

The star later apologized by saying that he did not believe his comments to be true and that they were despicable. He also said that he had been battling alcoholism his whole life, and he was horrified at his relapse.

This story just didn't get any better for him, did it? He got pulled over, and then he said some terrible things. Perhaps the next iconic hero he creates should be a recovering alcoholic.

I just don't know what to say about this.

Links: Source and Source.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Scarlett?

Scarlett Johansson was set to star in a London West End version of "The Sound of Music." However, Andrew Lloyd Webber, who is producing the show, said that due to the star's "outrageous demands," she had to be dropped from the project.

Andrew, she is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. Give her whatever she wants. Millions of people will come to see your tired old show just because she's in it. Wait until she's ugly before you let her go for acting like a big shot. That way, you can laugh all the way to the bank.

Links: Pic. Source.

David Hasselhoff Having a Rough Time

David Hasselhoff was not allowed on his 7 am flight from London to Los Angeles yesterday morning because he was too drunk. The former Baywatch star was claiming that his life was a mess, especially with everything that is happening in his divorce.

For as much as I've made fun of him before, I just don't have the heart to do so now.

Hoff, I, for one, hope that you can get through these problems well; I'm not sure that I'd be doing much better, all things considered.

Links: Pic. Source.

Jennifer Aniston Has Perfect Legs

According to a scientific study that measures and multiplies proportions of a person's legs, Jennifer Aniston has the nicest legs of any celebrity. She edged out Christina Aguilera in the rankings.

What? We needed scientific proof to know that Jennifer Aniston is beautiful? Sounds like money well spent.

Links: Pic. Source.

Lohan Done with Clubbing

Lindsay Lohan said something to make us all believe that she is more sophisticated. In reference to a dinner party she had orchestrated, she said, "Believe it or not, I prefer to cook rather than go out to clubs."

I can only imagine that what she cooked was about eight kilos of cocaine.

Links: Pic. Source.

UPDATE: Gillian Anderson Pregnancy

As I reported back here, Gillian Anderson is pregnant with what will be her second child. However, X-Files conspiracy nuts are convinced that she has been impregnated by an alien. Gillian thinks the whole issue is hilarious, and she can't believe that people are still so engrossed with that show, which has been off the air for several years.

Uh, guys? Let me give you a heads up. If you are 38 and you're still living in your parents basement, and you think that a real life actress is the fictional character that she played on tv eight years ago, you might not be right in the head. You should probably get a job, or at least, take a shower.

Just a thought.

Links: Pic. Source.

Katie Holmes Looking for Work

Katie Holmes is looking to get back into acting. Although Tom and she had discussed the possibility of her being a stay at home mother, Katie met with her agent yesterday to go over the prospects of getting a more mature part.

Uh-oh! Sounds like trouble in the alien paradise world of Romulcron ZX-4761!

Links: Pic. Source.

Eddie Van Halen Writes Music

Guitar playing rock star Eddie Van Halen has announced that he will be writing two original songs for a porno movie. He is friends with director Michael Ninn, and it is speculated that this is what prompted the deal.

You know what I think prompted the deal? One of our careers is in the toilet, and drugs aren't getting any cheaper. But that's just me.

Links: Pic. Source.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Lindsay Lohan Is Too Hot

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital today after becoming dehydrated as a result of spending several hours shooting for her new movie "Georgia Rule" in the hot, summer weather. She was released later on in the afternoon after being treated.

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to agree with this report. She is too hot! Oo! And no amount of being in the hospital can change that.

***Author remembers the awfulness that is now Tara Reid.***

Well, maybe some amount of hospital time can change that, but I'm sure that we're all hoping for the best.

Links: Pic. Source.

Brad Pitt Not Over Divorce

Brad Pitt has vowed to his grandmother that he will not marry Angelina Jolie until he is completely over his divorce with Jennifer Aniston. His grandmother is quoted as saying, "Brad promised his wife on their wedding day they'd be together, and they didn't make it. He is a sensitive soul who just wants to make sure he can keep his promise this time around."

So you knock up Angelina, have a kid with her, and then let her know, via your grandmother, that you're not going to marry her? Let me just say that that is the epitome of class.

Links: Pic. Source.

Orlando Bloom Plays with Dolls

And in the weird news department, Orlando Bloom is said to carry around a Kate Bosworth doll. The two are boyfriend and girlfriend, and Orlando carries the doll around, much to the chagrin of Ms. Bosworth, due to the fact that he misses her because they don't get to spend a lot of time together.

Orlando Bloom: bleeding heart or eight year old girl? You be the judge.

It is a difficult question, especially with his long hair.

Links: Pic. Source.

An Apology to Christie Brinkley

Peter Cook has offered an apology to Christie Brinkley. He said, "I love my wife. I have loved her since the day I met her. For a lifetime, I've tried to prove how much I love her. This is an aberration. I'm sorry. I'm contrite. I'm stupid. Foolish. No excuse."

You know what would have been better than an apology, Peter? Keeping it in your pants.

Links: Pic. Source.

Lance Bass Is Gay

It is being reported that Lance Bass, who became famous for his work with the pop group N*Sync, is gay. The artist has come out in the latest issue of People.

So, it was always assumed before now that he wasn't gay? I think that that's the bigger shocker.

Links: Pic. Source.

Oasis Splitting Up?

Fans of the British rock group Oasis are worried that the band will split up due to the fact that Oasis is releasing a greatest hits album. Noel Gallagher had been quoted as saying that the band would only release a greatest hits album if they were going to call it quits.

What? Oasis is still a band, and a relevant band at that? Oh, wait, I have my calendar wrong. It's not 2006, it's 1996. That's a whole decade off. Man, I've got to get better at telling the time.

Links: Pic. Source.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Nicholas Cage, Superman?

Nicholas Cage is said to be so enthralled with the new Superman movie, he has been having dreams where he flies around. He is quoted as saying, "I really like the movie. Each night I have dreams that I'm flying. I'm a real good floater in my sleep."

Unfortunately, it took the reporters a while to decipher his sentence as all that really came out when he spoke was "mumblemumblemumblemumble."

Links: Pic. Source.

Madonna Hates Germs

Madonna has a new toilet seat installed for every concert she plays. The seat must be inspected by her people, and then installed with an unbroken seal before every gig.

What's ironic about this story is the fact that most of her newest tour is similar to things that belong in the toilet.

Links: Pic. Source.

David Hasselhoff Update

For those of you who were titillated at the prospect of a David Hasselhoff musical when I wrote about it yesterday, I suspect that you would be the same people who have always wondered what David Hasselhoff would look like in a heavily visually edited music video that is attempting to give the impression of a high David Hasselhoff.

If you have wondered that, look no further. Today is your lucky day. I submit to you, for your viewing enjoyment, David Hasselhoff singing "Hooked on a Feeling."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Dakota Fanning Naked?

And in the absolute worst news that I may have ever heard category, the next movie for young actress Dakota Fanning (current age 12) is said to portray her as a rape victim. The movie will include a scene in which she is either nude or only in her underwear. Her mother encouraged her to take the part due to the fact that the movie will likely garner the young actress an Oscar.

This is exploitation at its worst. I can't believe that it's even legal to make this movie given child pornography laws.

Bravo, Mrs. Fanning, bravo. When the young actress is scarred for the rest of her life for being a part of this, she'll have you to thank.

Links: Pic. Source.

Gillian Anderson Is Pregnant

Gillian Anderson, best known for her role as Agent Scully in the tv show "The X-Files," has announced that she is pregnant. This comes only a couple of months after splitting for her husband.

What really got me about the article that I read this in is the following quote: "It is not yet known who the father is."

Don't worry Gillian. The truth is out there.

Wow. That's the worst joke so far. I'll have to try harder.

Links: Pic. Source.

David Hasselhoff Musical?

Apparently, David Hasselhoff is set to star in a new musical based on his life story. The show is appropriately titled, "David Hasselhoff - The Musical."

Wow; what even needs to be said about this? I can only hope that this show will include the songs, "Don't Hassle the 'Hoff," "My Career Ended after Night Rider," and "I'm the Hoff, D*** It!"

Links: Pic. Source.

Heath Ledger to Play the Joker

Heath Ledger reportedly received the role of the Joker in the next Batman movie sometime last week. He is believed to have edged out both Robin Williams and Steve Buscemi who also had their eyes on the role.

Boy, is this good casting or what? I don't know about you, but when I think of Batman's arch-rival, the first thought that comes to mind is a gay cowboy. How appropriate is this?

Relatedly, I don't know how well Williams or Buscemi could have pulled off this part, but I certainly would have been very interested to see them try.

Links: Pic. Source.

Wesley Snipes Is All Class

Wesley Snipes recently engaged in what has been reported as a six-day-sex-fest with a former stripper who didn't know that Mr. Snipes was married. When she asked him about his marriage, he responded, "Don't worry your pretty little face."

Wow. There are a lot of things wrong with this story, but perhaps the greatest offense is the fact that Wesley thinks that we are still in the 1950's, in that he apparently believes that saying things like his above quote are still socially acceptable.

Links: Pic. Source.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Lohan's Blackberry

Somebody hacked into Lindsay Lohan's blackberry and then proceeded to send vile messages to Lindsay's friends. Lohan's publicist believes that the hacker may have been Paris Hilton because the wording in the messages sounded familiar. Paris has denied the allegations.

Now Paris, if you're going to hack into her blackberry, at least be smart enough to not repeatedly say things like, "That's hot," and "Paris rules, Lindsay drools." That's gonna give you away, sweetie, just like your father will when you are unable to wear white to your wedding.

Links: Pic. Source.

Drew Barrymore's Help from Alcohol

A scene for Drew Barrymore's new movie "Lucky You" in which she had to sing freaked her out. Due to her apprehension about singing, she insisted that the director give her shots of Southern Comfort to calm her frayed nerves. Her analysis of the crew's reaction was not optimistic, "No one was like, 'Wow', but I was just happy no one had blood spurting out of their ears!"

Well, with her being this nervous about singing in a movie, I can only hope that the movie theatres will allow patrons to do their own shots of Southern Comfort in order to be comfortable with having to hear her, apparently, horrible warbling.

Links: Pic. Source.

Jessica Biel Auction Off

Jessica Biel was on the auction block the other day. A lunch date with the actress went for a cool thirty grand, with the proceeds going to help with the hospital costs for a young girl who was the victim of a horrible accident which cost her her leg.

Wait a minute! It only takes losing a leg to get Jessica Biel's attention?

Jessica! **sawsawsaw** My leg! **sawsawsaw** It's coming off!

Links: Pic. Source.

Uma Thurman's Ears

Actress Uma Thurman has said in an interview that one of the biggest things that she dislikes about her body are her ears. She was quoted as saying, "I still think my ears are far too big. They really stick out. I would do anything to get rid of them."

Really? Your ears? I would think that you would be more concerned with the fact that your eyes are freakishly far apart. I mean, can you focus on two different things at once? To me, at least, your ears are the least of your concerns.

Links: Pic. Source.

Update: Haley Joel Osment

It is being reported by police that they believe that alcohol played a part in Osment's car accident. While no charges have been filed, the police are saying that there will be a full investigation.

So, there's a DUI possibility? Wait a minute! I think the police need to remember the trouble that they got into when they were twelve, and then maybe they wouldn't be so quick to judge Haley.

And if that fails, maybe they just need to remember that he was driving a 1995 Saturn, and then show him some compassion for that.

Links: Pic. Source.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Paris to Release Entire Album

It is being reported that Paris Hilton, perhaps the person who epitomizes being famous for being famous, will release a self-titled debut cd next month. The big reason she gets to do this is because her single "Stars Are Blind" is doing so well.

Rev 17:32: And the beast shall release an album, and the world will buy it in record numbers, and the wool shall be pulled over their eyes into thinking that it is good. 33: This shall usher in the battle of Armageddon.

I mean, if you like the end of the world, go ahead and buy it.

Links: Pic. Source.

Haley Joel Osment's Accident

Actor Haley Joel Osment, who appeared in such films as The Sixth Sense and Pay It Forward, has suffered some minor injuries from a car accident. Although the injuries were not life threatening, Osment was hospitalized after flipping his 1995 Saturn.

Please note that I would not make fun of him if he were seriously hurt.

Of course he's gonna crash the car! Isn't he like twelve years old? How did he even get a license? Was he driving seated on a stack of phone books so that he could see through the windshield? And secondly, this kid was in several multi-million dollar movies. Why is he driving a 1995 Saturn? I have a better car than that; I have a 2000 Saturn.

Links: Pic. Source.

Lohan Wants Big Arms

Lindsay Lohan has said that although she has put some of the weight back on that she had lost during her outrageous diet last year, she still thinks that her arms look too bony. To help get her body to look like how she wants it to, she is doing pushups.

That's right, Lindsay. The American male fan base that you have is throroughly concerned with your arms looking bigger. I know that for myself, if a woman doesn't have good sized arms, I'm immediately turned off.

Links: Pic. Source.

Village People Policeman Faces Drug Charges

The original policeman for the band The Village People was in court yesterday on drug possession charges, to which he pleaded no contest.

While I could make some silly joke about how it's ironic that it's the policeman that is in law trouble, I won't. Instead, I'll just ask that you take a look at the picture that was running in the Washington Post that accompanies the article that you will see to your left. Willis looks so sad, but the man to his left, which I can only imagine would be his lawyer, looks very happy.

Why would you smile right then? The man's in trouble for drugs. What's to smile about?

Link: Pic and Source.

The Authority on Poop, Julia Roberts

Julia Roberts says that one of the parts of being a mother is being a poop expert. She is quoted as saying, "I can catch poop in my hand and just be like, okay."

Ah, so that's how she landed the role of Erin Brockovich.

Also, I'm semi-afraid of this picture I found of her online. I'm kind of scared she's going to leap out of my screen and eat me.

Links: Pic. Source.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Kevin Costner Considered for Part

M. Night Shyamalan briefly considered Kevin Costner for the lead part in "Lady in the Water," but he ended up going with Paul Giamatti instead.

Wow. I was surprised that anybody other than Costner himself was considering Costner for movie roles anymore. Well, Costner only considers himself when he's not watching "Field of Dreams," and patting himself on the back with his diamond plated back patter.

However, to his credit, the Waterworld show at Universal Studios is pretty cool. And to think, it only took a multi-million dollar flop to make sure that that attraction got made. God bless him!

Links: Pic. Source.

All That Glitters...

It is being reported that Mariah Carey is working on a series of short films with director Spike Lee. The films will be screened during her upcoming tour.

I have an equation that sums all this up:

Lousy actress + washed up directer = steaming pile of crap.

Links: Pic. Source.

Eddie and Mel B to Wed

It is reported that after meeting Mel B of Spice Girls fame merely a month ago, Eddie Murphy is planning on getting married to her. The wedding is expected to take place in September.

Be careful Eddie! The reason that she was called Scary Spice is due to the fact that she is really a man!

Oh. Wait. You like that.

Best wishes, then.

Links: Pic. Source.

National Enquirer Apologizes to Britney

Britney Spears forced the National Enquirer to apologize for stating that she and K-Fed (as he's known in the hood) were getting divorced. Instead of asking for a cash settlement, Britney merely wanted the magazine to print an apology.

You know what? She's got a big heart. And if she keeps hitting Starbucks everyday, she's gonna have a big waist too.

But wait a minute...will she have to apologize to the National Enquirer when she and Federline really do divorce? Can the magazine then sue her?

Links: Pic. Source.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Pam and Kid to Marry

It has been announced that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are planning on tying the proverbial knot. This comes after several years of an on-again, off-again relationship.

Frankly, I never understood how Kid Rock got beautiful women to swoon over him. He's just about the trashiest person you're likely to meet outside of Alabama, and he looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch going down.

But then, Pam, with her much publicized sex tape to former husband Tommy Lee, is not exactly the bastion of purity, innocence, and class herself.

Hmm. Perhaps this is indeed a blessed union of souls.

Link: Pic and Source.

Samuel L. Jackson to Voice God

In a new audio series of the Bible, Samuel L. Jackson has been cast to play the voice of God.

I can already hear it now. "In the beginning was the word, mutha' f*(&$#, and the word was with @)#($& God, and the word was @()*%&@# God."

I might have to buy two.

Links: Pic. Source.

Owen Wilson Looking to Settle Down

Owen Wilson has the idea of starting a family in his mind for the near future. "I'm 37. By the time my dad was 30, he had three kids, so I'm definitely way behind." He is planning on settling down with his girlfriend Francesca, who is the niece of Donatella Versace.

I guess it goes without saying that if they do have kids, there won't be too many arguments about whose nose the baby has.

Link: Source.

Patrick Swayze Glad to Be Ugly

Patrick Swayze is glad to be getting older, because he didn't feel comfortable in his handsome body. He is quoted as saying, "I spent so long being frustrated by how I looked. I seemed so boyish, I was a man trapped in a boy's body for so many years"

So Patrick Swayze felt like a man in a boy's body, and Michael Jackson is a boy in a man's body. Let us hope that never the twain shall meet, because I'm pretty sure that bring them together, as they are polar opposites, would bring forth the end of the world.

Link: Source.

Paris Hilton Sloppy Firsts

Paris Hilton is adamantly denying that her ex, Stavros, is seeing Lindsay Lohan. She was quoted as saying, "That was crap. She's never even hung out with Stavros. He thinks she's pathetic."

This of course brought a question to my mind: in what manner is Lohan pathetic in a way that Hilton is not also pathetic? Unfortunate singing career? Check and check. Clothing company? Check and check. Advertising for "classy" things? Check and check.

Hmm. It would appear that Paris and Lindsay are, in fact, dopplegangers. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Stavros just mixed them up.

Links: Pic. Source.

Tom Cruise aka Mephistopheles?

Tom Cruise will appear on stage, albeit as the subject of a new play. In a kind of retelling of Faust, a young man enters into a contract with Tom Cruise in order to taste the movie star life for a little bit.

Let's see. A dark contract for souls...Tom Cruise as a devil is the young man in this show supposed to be Katie Holmes?

Links: Pic. Source.

Carmen Electra in Splitsville

It is being reported that Carmen Electra and husband Dave Navarro have officially separated. They were, apparently, "amicably separated," but reasons behind the rift were not disclosed.

Perverts and mal-adjusted college drop-outs living in their parents' basements rejoice! You still have a shot at Carmen Electra!

Links: Pic. Source.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Paris Is an Icon

Paris Hilton recently compared herself to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana, saying that she is carrying on the tradition of beautiful blondes.

Because if there is one thing that defines all three of these women, it's class. Marilyn had her classic beauty. Diana had the class of wanting to help those less fortunate than herself. And Paris had math class, which she likely skipped in order to teach herself how to be more business-savvy, which likely took place in the back seat of a classic car.

Yup. That is a fair and reasonable comparison.

Link: Source.

Jack Black Exactly What We Expected Him to Be

During the filming of King Kong, Jack Black claims to have gone on a drug and alcohol induced "rampage."

Wait, is this news? I figured that this guy was perpetually drunk or high. Maybe he should go hang out with Justin Timberlake.

In other news, water continues to be wet.

Links: Pic. Source.

Justin Timberlake = Crackie McCracksalot

Justin Timberlake recently admitted to the fact that he has taken his fair share of drugs, and that the only reason that he has a squeaky clean image is due to the fact that he tries to do it in private.

Because, as we all know, the important thing when you're a role model is to keep your vices private. Heaven forbid one should just not do drugs or things like that.

Way to come clean, JT.

Links: Pic. Source.

Jennifer Aniston Needs a Little Help from her Friends

Jennifer Aniston has said that there may be a Friends special in the works. She has said that the Thanksgiving episodes were always really fun, and getting the cast together for one of those would be a great time for all.

What's that Jennifer? You're realizing that you only make crappy movies? One million bucks per episode doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Links: Pic. Source.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Jennifer Aniston Not a Happy Camper

Jennifer Aniston is fuming over the fact that former husband Brad Pitt has given a part that Aniston wanted to his new lady friend, Angelina Jolie. Apparently, Aniston was the one who helped get the rights for the story for the production company that now belongs solely to Brad. This becomes a bigger issue when you realize that the part is written so well, that whoever has it will likely win an Oscar.

Dear Brad: I may not always be a nice guy myself, but this is downright mean. Show your ex-wife some compassion that you dole out freely to third-world children, and maybe you'll be able to sleep better at night next to your beautiful girlfriend and huge piles of money.

Links: Pic. Source.

Luke Wilson a Sissy

Luke Wilson claims to have cried when he was asked to not come to the Playboy Mansion anymore after trying to sneak a friend in under the pretense that the friend was his brother, Owen Wilson.

Now, let's look at this. Your latest movies have been lousy and you are overshadowed by your brother who has the crookedest nose this side of a boxing arena, and you're going to cry about not being able to party?

That's good, man. Your priorities are in the right place.

Links: Pic. Source.

Paris a Hard Worker

Paris Hilton says that her friends that are still living off their parents should get a job and not be such moochers. Paris claims that she has not accepted any money from her parents since she was 18.

Well, Paris, not all of us are fortunate enough to get famous by having a leaked sex tape. Sure you're making a lot of money now, but I suspect you'll start making less and less money as you are looking more and more like a bad 80's glam model.

Links: Pic. Source.

Honor Thy Father and Mother

It is being reported that Katie Holmes's parents are none too keen on Katie not being married in a Catholic ceremony. Katie's parents, who are staunch Catholics, are saying that they will not even go to the ceremony due to their disagreements with Scientology.

Finally! Somebody is standing up to crazy people! Katie, I know that Tom Cruise was the hottest thing since sliced bread about twenty years ago, but I think that the only reason that he remains to be popular is that the public is watching him with a morbid fascination of how he'll go looney tunes next.

Seriously, there are better people that you could marry. I'd say you could marry me, but you tend to have that weird cold sore on your lip that kind of freaks me out. However, myself notwithstanding, there are plenty of better fish in the sea. Saddam Hussein, for example, or Osama Bin Laden are both better choices in my book.

Links: Pic. Source.

Mr. T Pities the, er, Victims of Katrina

Mr. T has opted out of wearing his trademark gold chains ever since he went to help with the Hurricane Katrina relief efforts.

"As a spiritual man, I felt it would be a sin against my God for me to wear all that gold again because I spent a lot of time with the less fortunate."

Mr. T, you're all right.

Links: Pic. Source.