Friday, September 29, 2006

Robert Downey Jr to Play Iron Man

Robert Downey Junior is set to play the part of Iron Man on the big screen. The film, which will directed by Jon Favreau, will be the latest in a long string of superhero movies.

Well, with iron being close to stone, I guess his playing Iron Man is apt in that he has made a career out of being perpetually stoned.

Links: Pic. Source.


Thursday, September 28, 2006

Lindsay Lohan and Stavros?

It is reported that after dancing and partying the night away together, Stavros (Paris Hilton's Ex) and Lindsay Lohan went back to the Chateau Marmont where Lindsay currently lives and spent the night. The couple left at separate times the subsequent.

While we can only imagine what went on that evening, I can only assume that Stavros was overheard muttering comments about throwing hot dogs down hallways.

Links: Pic. Source.


Chevy Chase to Channel Mel Gibson on TV Show

It is being reported that Law and Order, in its typical fashion, will be doing a show with a storyline that is similar to that of Mel Gibson's recent arrest and derogatory comments about Jewish people. It is also being reported that Chevy Chase will be playing Gibson's character.

I just think that this casting really fits, when you think about it. See, a washed up funny man is going to play a man who got washed up with booze. It's a can't miss.

Links: Pic. Source.


Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Screech Makes a Porno

Dustin Diamond, best known as his character Screech on Saved by the Bell, has decided to do some more grown up parts. And by doing some more grown up parts, I mean showing some more grown up parts. It is reported that there is a sex tape floating around with the actor in a threesome with two women. The video is being called Saved by the Smell.

Hmm. I can't think of a celebrity that I would less like to see naked.

Link: Pic. Source.


Catherine Zeta-Jones Can't Hear You Now

It is being reported that Catherine Zeta-Jones will not continue to be the spokesperson for T-Mobile as of next year when her contract runs out. The cellular phone service company has opted to go with a different approach for its marketing, preferring a more "man on the street" type of publicity campaign.

And it just goes to show you that even if phones primarily have to do with hearing, people still don't like to look at cross-eyed women.

Oh, and as regarding the title of this post, I know that the joke has to do with Verizon which is, by defintion, not T-Mobile. You try to come up with cell phone jokes.

Links: Pic. Source.


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Joe Francis to Pay Big Bucks

Joe Francis has struck a deal with the courts in regards to a lawsuit that alleged that he filmed girls who were not 18 in, er, compromising positions. It is likely that the "Girls Gone Wild" CEO will pay $500,000 in damages. Joe Francis, aka one of two people I would try to physically harm if I saw him on the street, thinks that the judge will accept the deal.

With all due respect, your honor, I think that this punishment is not quite stiff enough. I believe he should receive a sentence of removal/mutilation of genitals which should be broadcast live on the internet. For this, he would not only be square with the law, but he would receive his choice of a t-shirt or trucker hat.

Did I mention I hate this guy?

Links: Pic. Source.


Monday, September 25, 2006

Katie Holmes Promises Another Baby

It is being reported that Katie Holmes loves being a mother, and she has promised Tom another progeny. The only catch for Tom is that he has to marry her first.

That a girl, Katie. Get him hooked by bearing one of his offspring, and then hold out on more until you get what you want. You should write a book on getting the man that you want; you could call it, Children Out of Wedlock and 99 Other Ways to Snag a Man.

Link: Pic. Source.


Friday, September 22, 2006

Madonna Explains the Crucifixion

Madonna's "Confessions" tour, which recently concluded, included a scene in which she sang a song while wearing a crown of thorns during a mock-crucifixion. This drew the ire of religious and conservative groups alike, even prompting one priest to phone in a bomb threat to a concert venue.

This is what Madonna has to say about the scene: "It is no different than a person wearing a cross or 'taking up the cross' as it says in the Bible…Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole. I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing."

First, as I understand it at least, "taking up the cross" is meant as a metaphor for being humble, i.e. to acknowledge your faults and weaknesses. What you're doing is creating controversy in the attempt to drive up ticket sales. While I could be wrong, I'm not convinced that those are the same things.

Secondly, how exactly are you trying to "encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole?" Being divisive is the polar opposite of being unifying. However, perhaps, when you looked in your thesaurus, you thought that antonyms meant that things were synonyms. This is perhaps and honest mistake.

However, when you say that you think Jesus would be doing the same thing if he were alive today, I'm not sure that you truly appreciate the fact that he already did his time on the cross. If I were Jesus on earth today, I'd think that the cross would be something that I would avoid pretty heartily.

But that's me.

Links: Pic. Source.


Seth Meyers to be New Anchor on Weekend Update

Comedian Seth Meyers is all set to take over the responsibilities that Tina Fey left behind as Amy Poehler's co-anchor on the SNL fake news program "Weekend Update." It is reported that several stars auditioned for the spot, but it was decided that Seth would be the best at it. Seth will also be taking over the task of being the major writer for the show.

And why not make the, arguably, least funny member of the cast head writer? That in itself is comedic gold!

Links: Pic. Source.


Kate Winslet Doesn't Get the Skinny on Being Skinny

Kate Winslet has lashed out at the prevalence of unhealthily underweight female celebrities. The actress had this to say about them: "This skinny thing, it angers me so much. It disturbs me. In our house, we don't talk about weight, we don't talk about body image. I don't understand the fascination with it. The interest in certain people, like Nicole Richie, in regards to weight, is incredible, and it's a mystery to me."

So, skinny women of Hollywood take note. Gauging by her size, I'm sure she packs a punch.

Links: Pic. Source.


Thursday, September 21, 2006

Katie Holmes to be Victoria Beckham

It is reported that the next fleshy and meaty role for Katie Holmes may be one that is hardly fleshy or meaty. In an upcoming movie about soccer great David Beckham, Katie is up for the role of Victoria Beckham, AKA Posh Spice.

I really can't believe that anybody would be willing to watch anything that had any resemblance to a Spice Girls movie. I don't care that Katie Holmes is much more attractive than Victoria "Corpses are jealous of my weight" Beckham. Who would want to pay to go and see that? I know that I wouldn't, and as I am a white male between the ages of 18 and 35, I'd like to think that my opinion counts for something.

Links: Pic. Source.


Matt LeBlanc Divorced

Matt LeBlanc finalized his divorce from his wife of three years yesterday. The couple sited irreconcilable differences as being the reason for the split.

LeBlanc is said to have found a friend in Andrea Anders, his co-star on the show, "Joey." And by a friend, we of course mean someone to sleep with who wasn't his wife.

Links: Pic. Source.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006

If You're Kicked Off of SNL and You Now Know It Clap Your Hands

It has been revealed that the three cast members that have been fired from Saturday Night Live are Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell, and Finesse Mitchell.

I question the judgment in this, because Horatio Sanz was arguably the funniest cast member. However, now that Tina Fey has left, perhaps the show will again be funny and not crappy.

I doubt it, though.

Links: Pic. Source.


Brad Pitt to Take on Tom's Task

It is being reported that Brad Pitt has been offered 39 million smackers to become the face of the Mission Impossible movie franchise. This follows Tom Cruise's disengenuous departure from Paramount after the studio thought that the star was bad for business.

The important thing to note is that if Brad Pitt does take over, he will not be playing the same character that Tom Cruise played, Ethan Hunt. He will be playing an, as-of-yet, unnamed agent.

And it's a good thing that the character is going to change names. Can you imagine how confusing that would be? I mean, changing actors for the same titular part obviously hasn't worked for the James Bond franchise. Do they even make movies anymore?

Link: Source.

Britney Spears to Rap

First, I'd like to give a shout-out to Blogger for not letting me post pictures today or yesterday. You guys are awesome!

Second, according to a source close to the project, it appears that Britney's new album will feature the pop vocalist rapping. He also said some immeasurable things about the album such as the fact that it will be "crazy" and that she is taking her career to "the next level."

I may be wrong, but I believe that I speak for the entire male population of the United States when I assert that as long as Britney goes back to being distractingly beautiful again, I don't care if her new album features her playing the jug, the musical saw, or spoons. The key aspect is that she must be hot.

Link: Source.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Alec Baldwin Thinks Tom Cruise Is A-OK

Alec Baldwin recently announced that he thinks that Tom Cruise gets too much bad press for being a member of the Church of Scientology. His rationale is that Scientology members are not hijacking planes and flying them into large buildings in New York.

I don't know, Alec. It seems to me that that explanation can be used too often. For example, if somebody cheated on their wife, are you going to say that at least they didn't hijack planes and fly them into large buildings in New York? I think not.

Link: Source.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Lindsay Lohan Breaks Wrist

Lindsay Lohan slipped and fell while she was partying on Friday night, an incident which caused the young actress to fracture her wrist twice. This comes just days after she and her mother had a very public argument which left Dina in tears.

Perhaps, this will provide an opportunity for other stars to lend her a hand in this time of hardship. On the other hand, perhaps she will take this as a slap on the wrist for not being nice to her mother.

Links: Pic. Source.

Samuel L Jackson Wants a "Snakes" Sequel

Samuel L. Jackson is apparently so proud of Snakes on a Plane, he thinks that there should be a sequel. What does he think the sequel should be called, you ask? Why, Snakes on Crack, of course.

Samuel, should this movie be made, the only thing that people will be watching of yours is the E! network special, "Former A List Stars on Crack."

Link: Source.

Katie Holmes Unsure

A celebrity website is reporting that Katie Holmes is having second thoughts about her upcoming wedding to Tom Cruise. The actress is reported to have said to a visitor to the Colorado ranch where she and daughter Suri are staying. "I don't have my own life any more. I'm not comfortable."

And, in that brief second, Katie Holmes finally understood what the rest of America meant when they said that Tom Cruise was one loco vato.

Links: Pic. Source.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Lindsay Lohan to Wed, or May Be Wed

Lindsay Lohan gave her mother Dina some shocking news over the phone on September 2; that's right, folks, she's planning on getting married. Of course, some of her friends secretly believe that she has already gotten married.

Personally, either is just as possible. The girl likes to drink to excess, and people do crazy things when they're drunk, like listen to Lohan's music for example.

Links: Pic. Source.

Tom and Katie to Wed

It is being reported that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will finally tie the knot sometime within the next six weeks. This follows a fifteen month engagement.

So they're finally getting married, and with only one child out of wedlock! That's pretty good!

Links: Pic. Source.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Whitney Houston Files for Divorce

Whitney Houston's publicist announced that the singer was filing for divorce from husband Bobby Brown. This follows 14 years of a highly negatively publicized marriage.

To be honest, I don't blame her. I get tired of getting hit too.

Links: Pic. Source.

David Hasselhoff Speaks about Princess Diana

And in an effort to become the record holder of saying the most innapropriate things about well-beloved, unfortunately dead celebrities, David Hasselhoff has announced that upon meeting Princess Diana, he thought that he had a shot with her, er, sexually. The former Baywatch star explains, "She was smitten with me since I was so tall. I was smitten with her since she was so tall. But she was married and so was I. I probably would have gone after her if circumstances had been different."

In addition, Hasselhoff once went up to Diana's son, Prince Harry, and told him, "Hey, I knew your mom and I thought she was awesome."

Can you think of anything more inappropriate to say about a dead woman to her son? I know that I can't, and that's why David gets the prize.

Links: Pic. Source.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Jane Fonda Calls Kettle Black

Jane Fonda, who was at one point a respectable actress, has chimed in in agreement with Morgan Creek executive who chastised Lindsay Lohan for her self destructive partying ways. Fonda said, "I think every once in a while, a very, very young person who is burning both ends of the candle needs to have somebody say, `You know, you're going to pay the piper, you better slow down.' So I think it was good."

I don't know about Lindsay, but I would have a hard time taking advice on self-destruction from a woman who became just about universally hated for going over to North Vietnam during the Vietnam War and having pictures taken of her pretending to shoot down American planes.

Links: Pic. Source.

Congrats to Britney and Kevin

Early this morning, Britney Spears gave birth to a 6 pound 11 ounce healthy baby boy at a Los Angeles hospital, and not on a bear-skin rug, as was previously thought to be the case.

Congratulations, Britney and Kevin!

Links: Pic. Source.

Moby Calls Out Tom and Katie

The musician Moby recently went on the record by saying that he thought that it was "grotesque" how Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes used their infant Suri as a publicity stunt.

Hmm. So a musician who hasn't been relevant since the Clinton administration is calling out other celebrities for being in the spot light. Sounds jealous to me.

Links: Pic. Source.

Another Reason to Hate PETA

A spokesman for the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Dan Mathews, recently announced that Steve Irwin made a career out of antagonizing frightened animals and that he was a cheap reality star.

Let me say, Mr. Mathews (really, who only has one t in their last name?), that it really makes your organization look classy when you publicly denounce a popular celebrity who likely has done more to raise awareness about protecting animals than your wacko organization ever has or ever will. Here's to hoping you choke on your smug self-righteousness.

Links: Pic. Source.

Monday, September 11, 2006

The Post Where I'm Preachy

There will be no celebrity gossip today as I think that we all have more important things to think about on the anniversary of the September 11 attacks.

Be sure to come back tomorrow when the snarkfest continues.

Friday, September 08, 2006

Brad Pitt's Excuse

Brad Pitt has said that he will not marry Angelina Jolie until everyone in America who wants to get married can get married. This was, of course, an obvious reference to the fact the homosexual men and women are unable to legally get wed in the United States.

I've got to give it to you, Brad, by wording it the way you did, you made it sound like a new cause to get behind. It's certainly much less obvious than saying, "We'll get married when pigs fly." It's all right, buddy, we all get cold feet from time to time.

Link: Source.

Martha Stewart Has Words for Trump

Martha Stewart reportedly thinks that Donald Trump's firing of Carolyn Kepcher just goes to show how out of control the man is. She believes that if he continues with his current self destructive chain of actions, "poor Donald will be sitting there on his little pedestal all by himself."

Firstly, why would Martha Stewart even say this? What does she have to gain by criticizing Trump? And why would she think that it would be a good idea to say this to the media?

Secondly, Donald, Martha, are you both just upset because one of you stole the idea for your current haircut from the other? Come on, who thought of it first? Whoever did should get to keep it, and then the other one should get a reasonable one, or at least shoot the other one in the face to put them out of their misery. It's only fair.

Link: Pic and Source.

Nicole Kidman Criticizes Angelina Jolie

For some reason, Nicole Kidman went on record as saying that she thinks that Angelina Jolie gets far too much positive press from the media due to her charity work. She is quoted as saying, "It's not like Angelina is any better than a nurse working in a hospital, but she's getting the publicity for her contribution."

Right. Because the media nevers talks about Angelina in a favorable way. For example, I never hear about how she stole Brad Pitt from Jennifer Aniston, or how she still won't talk to father due to his unfaithfulness to her mother, or the fact that while she was married to Billy Bob Thornton, she kept a vial of his blood around her neck.

Yup. The media only says positive things about Angelina Jolie. Thank you for elucidating that point for us, Nicole.

Links: Pic. Source.

Kirsten Dunst Is Single...And She Likes It

Kirsten Dunst recently went on record as saying that she is all right with her being single. She is quoted as saying, "I'm not desperate to start another one. I'm just enjoying my new freedom in my own way."

Well good for her. They say that the key to contentment is to find happiness with your current situation. And, with her current situation being that she scares children with her snaggleteeth, she is likely to remain in the state of singleness until she finds her situation including either braces or a plain, brown paper bag.

Links: Pic. Source.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

James Frey and Random House to Settle with Public

James Frey and Random House have agreed to settle with people who purchased Frey's book, A Million Little Pieces, before it was revealed that he had made up portions of his supposed autobiographical tale. Readers will be able to receive a full refund of their purchase price.

This is ludicrous. I don't know who first came up with the idea to sue, but I can only assume that they were thinking that they were going to make a lot more than the cover price. Further, I suspect that all of the people involved in the lawsuit will have to give close to 50% of what they receive to the lawyer, which means that they will have just received, essentially, a book for half price.

God bless the American legal system. It's very effective at being ineffective.

Link: Source.

A Bad Week for Paris Hilton's Reputation

First, she allegedly broke her celibacy vow with Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, and then, last night, she was arrested for DUI. Her spokesman said that she was just over the legal limit that would warrant an arrest, but we'll see about that.

I don't know. Here I thought she was the bastion of purity and loveliness, and now, here she is getting into all this trouble. I might have to start questioning her ethics.

Links: Pic. Source.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Suri Cruise, in All Her Glory

This is the part where I, like every other celebrity gossip blogger, publish the Vanity Fair cover that has Suri Cruise on it.

Having said that, I will say this: the kid is cute, and I'm surprised at the darkness of the hair.

This really is a masterful photo, in my opinion, for several reason. First, the only eyes that you see in the picture are Suri's, which places emphasis on them. Secondly, most of the picture is very dark except for the horizon in the background and Tom's shirt; due to this, Suri's eyes look a beautiful blue.

There are other reasons, but, frankly, they don't matter. Enjoy the picture.

Kasabian Says Not Nice Things about Justin Timberlake

The British rock group Kasabian recently randomly spoke out against Justin Timberlake. Here is what the group's lead singer had to say: "He's a midget with whiskers who is just trying to be black. He's a puppet in a million-dollar suit who has had his strings cut off. It's just money music. Absolute rubbish. You can smell the money coming off it. He's a knobhead."

And this coming from a band that hasn't been relevant for two years that is looking to release a new album? Oddly enough, I think that I can "smell the money" coming off of this statement.

Link: Source.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Steve Irwin Has Died

Steve Irwin, the man who made nature documentaries interesting to watch again, has passed away following being stung by a stingray. The famed animal-lover was making a documentary when the sting happened. He reportedly pulled the barb from his chest before passing out.

I offer my condolences to his family. It is perhaps encouraging to remember that he died doing what he loved most.

Link: Pic and Source.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi Injured

Ellen Degeneres and girlfriend Portia de Rossi were recently injured when they were in an accident with two other automobiles. Neither of the actresses were at fault, apparently; it appears that one of the other drivers was driving drunk.

Wait. Portia de Rossi is a lesbian? The same Portia de Rossi that was on Arrested Development? Man...I've been wasting a lot of money on flowers.

Links: Pic. Source.

Tom Cruise Makes Nice with Brooke Shields

Tom Cruise has apologized for remarks that he made about Brooke Shields a year ago. The comments were in reference to the fact that Shields took pills for post-partum depression, something that the actor/scientologist finds awful. Shields accepted the apology.

Wow. Finally. I can't tell you how many sleepless nights I've had because of this feud. It has to be nearly the same amount of times, approximately, as monkeys have flown out of my butt.

Links: Pic. Source.

Pam Anderson to Reveal Makeup Line

Pamela Anderson, who recently wed rocker Kid Rock, has announced that she will be selling her own line of cosmetics. Her line of products will include hair items, skin treatments, and make-up.

I can only assume that this line of products will be most successful with those who wish to augment their natural looks.

Links: Pic. Source.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Wedding Bells for Lohan?

Lindsay Lohan may be getting married in the near future. The actress's boyfriend, Harry Morton, was recently seen purchasing a diamond ring from an expensive Bevery Hills boutique. Though the couple has only been dating for a month, Morton is eager to "take it to the next level."

I can't help but think that this has something to do with Lindsay's comments last month about how she liked sex with many people, but demands loyalty from anyone seeing her. Perhaps Morton is trying to get her to settle down with him.

Links: Pic. Source.